The Spirit of Christmas

We are now 9 months into the pandemic. Our former lives have faded. We have adjusted as best as we can to our new world. Our species is resilient and have proven this over millennia.  We will survive, of this I am certain.

New restrictions have been imposed twice in the last few weeks. The lockdowns heralded by speculation, causing panic buying, queuing at the stores. I stand in a long line, the panic palatable around me as we wait to pay for stuff. I look down at my cart and mentally go through my inventory at home. I don’t need to be here. Still,I remain, my rationale self a whisper.

I listen to the news on the way home waiting for the announcement from the province. The radio station fills the waiting time with fluff, no one listens. I wonder if anyone will listen to the new restrictions or will interpret to suit themselves.

The announcements come, restrictions predictable. The backlash from the public will follow.

What an impossible task for our leaders. I did not vote for all the current leaders, though this is not the time to bash them, to try to over throw the government. At their core, they are human beings trying to navigate us through a crisis, trying to keep us safe. They are balancing every aspect of our life, health, safety, wellness and the ability to support our families.   Not just for the day, but for all the days that will follow. The backlash is cruel at times and although Politicians and leaders are likely used to not everyone agreeing with their policies, the constant attacks on their personhood must chip away at the tough skin they wear. We need to get behind them or better yet do the right thing to help each other. We don’t like our medicine though it must be taken.  Years from now we will pick apart each decision with our 20/20 hindsight, but for now we do not have this in 2020.

The constant debates about everything is exhausting. The protests have me shaking my head. My compassionate self wonders how difficult it would have been living in the pandemic with no knowledge or any understanding of what science is or proper research. I think during the time of the great plagues how everyone must have felt frightened, trying to fight an unseen foe.  I cannot separate myself from what I know and understand, gleaned over a lifetime. clocking over 30 years as a Respiratory Therapist and growing up in a family of health care persons. There never was a before.

My Mom a Nurse told me about how her career began with the polio vaccination and how that vaccine offered Hope where there was none. My career began with the AIDS outbreak, how amazing when treatment arrived. I still see some of those young men in my mind and carry with me their frightened faces as they died, many without their friends and families and only healthcare people to witness, offering comfort where we could. Initially we did not know how Aids was spread, people were afraid. The world attacked the people who were infected.  There were many cruel things that were said in the media, to their faces. They needed us and we failed them.

We have been planning for this pandemic for most of my career. We knew it was coming, the when was the wild card. We prepared the best way we could. The proposed field hospitals, redeployment of staff, bringing back Retired healthcare personnel, cancelling surgeries was always part of the plan. It is not poorly thought nor is it grasping of straws or the fault of the present government. It is the harsh reality.

I am in awe of the vaccines that are providing an early Christmas present to many.  How incredible is science and how different is this pandemic than previous ones that tried to annihilate our species.  Every bright and brilliant mind has been working on  finding a vaccine and now we have several with likely more to follow.  This was the only thing that they worked on, this was their focus, they were given all the resources they needed, and were successful in their task.  We should be applauding their work.  I shake my heads when folks speak of how rushed this was and then how uneducated folks immediately jump to the conclusion that it is not safe.  I loved how the first person, a 90 year old lady inoculated in the UK said that she was doing this for England.  I will be happy to take this vaccine just like every other one I have received in my lifetime.  How fortunate are we to live in this country.

I worked in intensive care units and during my time only once were we not full. During y2k we cancelled surgeries and our normally full unit had only a few patients. Every other day it was full or bursting and always short staffed.

As the numbers of COVID patients increase in our Province, many are cared for in hospital and in Intensive Care units that were full and now are overflowing.  The staff test positive leaving dangerous levels of staffing left to do what must seem like a herculean task.  I think of my colleagues and my daughter, a Respiratory Therapist and worry for them.  How difficult it would be working in these high paced environments where there is not enough of everything, trying valiantly to do their best shouldering the responsibility of people’s lives,  while the public protests about anything and everything.  How nice to have the luxury to complain, point fingers and take no responsibility.

I think of people dying back in the early days of my career and how if their family wasn’t there, I would sit at their bedside while they died firmly believing no one should die alone. I know I’m not alone and many health care professionals share this belief. I do wonder now without family in many cases the toll this is taking on the staff, sharing a phone so a patient can call their family to say goodbye and then sitting by their bedside to witness their last breath, then moving on to the next patient. We are human. The vitriol surrounding health care is unnecessary though I understand the term essential worker is a hot topic. Financially we have weathered the pandemic better than most, our jobs reasonably secure though our souls are tattered, our anxiety at an all time high and we too worry about our families, friends and co workers daily. We try to educate the public, though learn no one is listening. Perhaps their education will come later with the lens of time?

Historically, we have always had protesters, nay sayers, conspiracy theorists, folks taking a germ of truth and twisting it to suit their own narrative. History largely makes no mention, it takes some digging to find out present society is not unique. What is unique today is social media and the internet where this information is stamped forever. I think about folks who spoke against masks during the Spanish flu, vaccines during the polio epidemic or the war effort particularly during WWII. They were wrong, though I suspect they sanitized their own history to their descendants Today this is not possible. I remember my parents often quoting , “Life is like a field of freshly fallen snow, be careful how you step because every step will show.” Today more than ever.

My life has not changed much since the beginning of the pandemic. I go to work, come home and buy groceries from time to time. I wear a mask and have done long before the government mandated. In the summer we saw some friends, a couple at a time. Since the rising cases my husband and I see only each other at the end of our day and breathe a sigh of relief at the end of the week.  We are content to be free from wearing masks for the weekend as we hunker down at home. Perhaps, we made it another week without being infected we hope.

I see patients who had “mild cases” who wonder when life will return to normal. Their shortness of breath, lack of smell and exhaustion persist. The virus lives in them and we do not know the trajectory. I hear of patients who died from this virus and send a prayer to the heavens for their soul and for the people they left behind.

Christmas is coming. I wait for this time each year. We will not be able to see our friends and family. The tree and house are decorated and have been for a month.  The outside Christmas lights are never turned off, they provide light and joy to us though perhaps they also provide light and joy to someone else?  I know that our neighbours lights have me smiling remembering Christmas’s past. I think into the future where there will be so much to celebrate.  My favourite part of Christmas is witnessing the miracle of the season. It is a time when for at least a short time, people stop caring only for themselves and instead look to help others’.  In my entire life I have never failed to witness this miracle. I send my wishes to the heavens that in this year of incredible change that this one thing will remain constant.